My depression makes me the worst mom. Sounds harsh right? But it’s true. As a single parent my depression makes a bit more of an impact on my child. Not that it doesn’t already make a huge impact on children of non-single parents.

There have been many nights I have asked my mom or grandmother to take my son, because I intended to end my life and did not want him around if I ended up doing so. I never told them how bad my depression was, simply said I had something going on and needed a sitter. Suicidal thoughts are often an extremely difficult thing to talk about in general, more so when you have kids. The thoughts that often run through my head relate directly to losing my son should someone find out about the thoughts I’m having. This makes communicating about my depression all the more difficult.

This is not the thing that makes me feel like my depression makes me the worst parent, although the idea of leaving my child behind in this world is incredibly harsh. What makes me the worst parent is how little I am able to function when the depression hits me. I struggle to get off the couch. Its difficult for me to do anything and even more upsetting when my child is begging me for something that I am struggling to provide.

Today is July 5th. Yesterday there were 4th of July celebrations going on all over. A street fair, fireworks, a variety of other events. How many did my child attend? None……why? Because after I got home from what was an enjoyable tubing trip, I crashed hard into a wall of depression. My son remained with my grandmother because I sat on my couch and melted into it.

This is why my depression makes me a terrible parent. Don’t get me wrong, I am always receiving compliments on how well I am raising my son, how much people love that I give him the opportunity to experience anything his little heart desires. How I expose him to things both masculine and feminine. I even bought him a drum set and sit and jam with him on my ukuleles. Unfortunately, the one thing I can’t seem to give him is the experience of having a happy mother.

I’m sure this isn’t easy to read, as it was not easy to write, but It’s something I felt important to get out of my head and share as I am sure I am not the only parent struggling with such things. Depression as a parent is such a difficult thing to talk about since we often get comments such as “well you have a child so you shouldn’t feel that way.” Or “How do you think this would make your kid feel?” It’s so much simpler to just tuck the feelings of depression away and ignore them…..

But what happens when they become too much? What happens when your bottle gets full from hiding these feelings? Consider being more open, not just to keep your child from losing a parent, but to keep you from losing yourself.

🤘Ausi