Lately when something happens I stop and think about it. I then state the problem followed by “because I….” If I can’t follow that with a legitimate reason or can only follow it with a self depreciating statement, I then move to collect more information on the problem as to decide whether or not I was truly the cause. If I find I am the cause, I sit and consider how to resolve it and how to avoid repeating my actions in the future. If I find I am not at fault I then sit and reassure myself that it was out of my hands. I’ve always been one to quickly take the blame for everything because i had such low thoughts about myself. So it HAD to be my fault because I am trash, unworthy, not good enough, I mess everything up…. Now typically when I start a sentence with “because I…” I can finish it with more positive words. I used to finish that sentence with negative words put in my head by others. Negative family members who didn’t believe in me, bullies, manipulative boyfriends, friends who only used me to their advantage…. It’s taken me a long time to realize that a huge cause of my depression and hatred towards myself has been programmed into my subconscious by others before I was truly able to embrace my own thoughts about myself. I have never purposely cared what others thought, but only recently found that what I’ve thought about myself has come from a subconscious storage of things others have said to me.

Growing up I was odd. I was an 8 year old girl with a dinosaur obsession, a collection of small animal bones found in my grandma’s backyard, fossils, I had more books than friends and spent most of my time outside exploring while other girls were obsessing over boy bands. I would try out for different things and constantly was told not to get upset if I didn’t make it, because there will always be someone better than me. It never mattered that I made it into almost everything I auditioned for. My sister never heard this, nor did my cousins and maybe that’s why their self esteem has always been higher than mine.

The biggest thing that helped was realizing I’m such an asshole to myself because I had so many assholes around me growing up. I’m using asshole to more mean I had people who intentionally and unintentionally drilled negative thoughts into my subconscious as a kid. Reprogramming your subconscious is a difficult task and takes a lot of time but I’m getting there. Identifying the issue is often the hardest part. I had to stop and think about why I felt a certain way and most of the time it was because “oh when I was a kid so and so often said this to or about me” or realizing that I was treated a certain way in certain situations like relationships and realizing that not everyone is going to be that way and maybe I shouldn’t freak out and run away when someone is treating me better and truly gives a shit. Which I kind of did recently and am trying to recover the situation. Hoping I didn’t do too much damage. I had an ex constantly gaslighting me for like 7 years and when that happens it takes a toll. It’s still hard to imagine being good enough for someone who isn’t a terrible person, but I’ve started to think maybe I don’t have to be with terrible people if good people are drawn to me for whatever reason.

What’s truly terrifying is feeling something, but being too afraid to express it. People often hold back emotions for fear of rejection, fear of how they feel not being accepted. It feels like being trapped inside an egg shell. You want to get out of it, but don’t know how to without breaking the shell completely or fearing what’s on the other side of that thin and fragile barrier. Negative responses to how we feel are all to common anymore, it’s difficult to figure out what risks are worth taking when expressing how we feel. Everyone says they want us to be honest, but do they really? Or do they only want us to be honest when our feelings match theirs? How are we to know what their thoughts, opinions and feelings truly are when there’s the possibility that they are just as afraid of breaking out of the eggshell as we are?

I personally find that it is hardest for me to break that eggshell when it comes to a potential relationship. Let’s be honest, dating doesn’t seem to be much of a thing anymore. It’s just months of talking, hanging out, saying “yeah we’re into eachother” but so many of those end up as “yeah we almost dated once.” Some of us are left wondering what is wrong with us, why are we never enough? Its damaging and often those who repeatedly put people in these situations don’t mean to, they don’t even realize how damaging the behavior is. They just dont want to commit and THERE IS NOTHING ACTUALLY WRONG WITH YOU! It takes a while to truly realize this and accept that it’s true. It is just how the dating scene has recently evolved. The best course of action is to either roll with it and learn how to play the game everyone else is playing (while remaining open to the possibility something real may come along) or step back, take a breath, move on with your life and hope you don’t die alone. I personally decided to go with the second choice, although if I’m being honest, I’m currently working on increasing my credit score to buy a bigger home and adopt ALL the cats!

🤘Ausi