I’ve been angry lately, upset with myself……It has been years and while there is clear improvement, I still often break.

When your entire identity and sense of self is crushed, absolutely destroyed, how do you know when you’ve successfully healed enough to truly move on? Or will the scars always show?

Was the trauma too much? Did it cut too deep? Did I loose too much when the blood began to seep through the fractures and away from my heart? Is it now destined to be cold, deprived of love’s eternal warmth?

When does the pain stop? When do my nerves go numb? When do I find peace?

The pain has led to bouts of substance abuse and promiscuity, all in the name of self harm. It’s a journey I’m forced to face alone, simply because it’s too much….too much for even me to handle, so why should others take it on?

I know this post is chaos, but the thoughts need to escape. Today I’m in pain and at a loss for how to cope. All I want is to be held, be told it’s ok but I don’t want to be touched.

I don’t want to be touched for fear that malice will reach me again as a few who have reached have had ill intent…and I fear it’s my fault, since I run towards the familiar pain.

I know this will pass but I fear not anytime soon….