When Lzzy Hale said, “Love sucks when you don’t know what it’s made of,” it really hit me hard. Because I’m not too sure I know what love is made of.

All my life, I’ve been told to not get upset if I don’t make it on a team or get selected after an audition because someone will always be better than me. I always hear about the link between love and support, although I don’t recall experiencing it much as a child.

I also was given a large amount of responsibility as a child, especially when it came to my younger siblings. It is not uncommon for older siblings to experience, but it attributed to this idea that I needed to be of use to be valued.

What we experience in childhood builds us, builds up our expectations of ourselves and others as we grow. This is not an unknown thing. However, what is less known is how we can correct these expectations as adults. It varies from person to person, may be easier for some than it is for others. I’ve done massive amounts of therapy, and I’m still unsure how to fix it for myself.

I’ve been told by people I’ve dated that I need to be better with boundaries and expectations of people I’m with. I shouldn’t just be ok with people leading me on to dump me for the next person to come along, I should expect communication, to be treated like a person. But I don’t know how, because I so often heard that there would always be someone better. And there always seems to be….someone better, prettier, skinnier, more mentally stable…

I burn myself out because I seek to be useful. It seems to me to be the only reason I’m kept around. If I serve a purpose, I won’t be alone, maybe even someday feel the love I’ve never felt but always craved.

Perhaps I’m pathetic, many seem to think if you openly say “I’ve never felt loved, and it’s something I want” that you’re pathetic, unhealed, you need to just focus on yourself….

But I can tell you, as someone with a degree in Anthropology,  that their way of thinking is unnatural. Humans are not solitary creatures, although many of us sometimes may act as such. It’s not in our nature to be alone. We have a natural urge to find a mate but at the same time have others tell us that we don’t need one, that we should just learn to be happy alone.

So what is love made of? Buddhist philosophy tells us that it should be unconditional, but modern humans often like to place many conditions. It’s not uncommon to be asked what our “type” is. As a pansexual, I’d like to say I really don’t have one, but I know I tend to be more attracted to femininity. I’ve done dumb things in pursuit of beautiful, feminine women and even when I’m attracted to a man they tend to have long hair, when it comes to those who are non-binary I also find myself more attracted when they have a more feminine nature or presentation. Does this mean people have to be feminine to catch my attention? No, but I acknowledge that these are characteristics that draw me more. Perhaps not conditions, but I’d say close enough that they may interfere with the idea of unconditional love.

The real question I have, for those who have experienced love in abundance, or even just once…..how do you recognize it? How do you avoid being fooled? How do you find those who value you when you serve no use?